Home

This was one of my first painting after my huge break up period with brushes and blank canvas. I wanted to put it all together – day and night, light and darkness, Latvian garden in blooming and palm tree who belongs in some exotic garden at far away country.

I didn’t want to tell about house much just rise imagination about what could be inside it.

Home was always a complicated symbol in my dreams. In real life I live in my parents home till 18 –  at one place, at one garden with the same people. Very safe. But in dreams t was opposite. I was somewhere else struggle to find my way back home. These was serial kind of dreams with very different scenarios but with same message – I struggle to get home. 

After I started my studies in Riga, my life got unpredictable. I moved from one place to other, have lost in relationships and my only safety place was work and parents home. I counted once that in last 20 years I moved to 13 different places and now I living at rent apartment with number 13 on it. Coincident? I started painting right here home, were I fought I never make to get in.

When I finished this painting I give this to my best friend as present. She loved it, I couldn’t believe that, I couldn’t even look at that little house. I said “NO” to it and try to put aside. It was like an old dream what never came true, never ended happy for me. 

After my partner proposal me (and I said magical word with agreement in all what will came after that..can’t wait…) deep down in my self I go trough panic and fear attacks. What if I will wake up again until get in this coziness light of family and home as symbol of safety and love?

I saw a new dream last night…. It was a festival at deep night. We were part of it – me and my boyfriend. It all happens at banks of the dark blue sea. I holding hands with my loved one and rise my ayes on the sea and saw in the middle of that, my painted house with yellow roof and light inside it. I quietly started to go there. Sea parted aside and gave me dry road to it. I go inside and saw two people there – husband and wife – both artists, musician and painter. They where so assured , so self – reliant and peaceful. I felt like I don’t belong where and went outside and get very angry that my partner didn’t fallow me. He stayed there and seemed very happy about that. It took me some time after wake up to realize that couple in home were very similar with us.

I woke up thinking about how our own fears and struggles and how it pull us away from happiness. How we “know” what we deserve but never dear to take it, even it is front of us. How we said “no” to good things, because of bad experience, and how hard is to say “yes”. In dream I went out of my dream home… In life I said “yes” and learn how leading power transform in letting go and letting self to be. 

If it’s not magic, call it art.

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